Martha Took My MOJO or How I Was Emasculated by Martha Stewart – Part 1
A few weeks ago, my wife Sara and I got up at 4 a.m. to drive to New York City, all the way from Rochester, NY, to attend a taping of the Martha Stewart Show. More about that shortly. But first, a little background.
Sara records the show religiously every day. When she sits down to catch up on “Martha”, I’m faced with a couple of choices:
1) I can go off to another room of the house and seek refuge from Martha’s perfection.
2) I can sit in the living room and work on my computer while Martha goes on and on about the best tasting kumquat and banana sorbet she’d had at a local organic, completely green, ultra chic, very snooty, horribly over-priced, corner market.
Normally, I chose option #2. I actually enjoy making fun of Martha and it seems, though I could be wrong, that Sara is not bothered by that. I particularly love the way Martha says “FENtastic” instead of FANtastic. The best part of it is, she says it a lot. And I do mean, a lot.
Imagine my surprise and joy at the news that Sara “won” two tickets to see a taping of the Martha Stewart Show. What luck!
The Journey to Emasculation
The decision was made to get up at 4 a.m. and drive from Rochester to Manhattan. We had to be there by 12:00 Noon, so we could get in line.
Sara’s very detailed directions got us there in plenty of time and we found ourselves standing along the side of Martha’s building right at High Noon. It was actually a very beautiful early September day. We were surrounded by Martha fans, all atwitter about seeing Martha, being in Martha’s divine presence, wondering what goodies Martha’s generous guests would lavish on us, and exactly who those guests would be.
I did a casual recon of the other guests that lined that side street. It was looking like Wally and 75 women. I felt my testosterone slowly draining from my body. Wait, I spotted a guy a few groups behind us. Maybe I might make it through the ordeal with another dude. But alas, once I heard him talk, I realized he could not be accurately described as a “dude”. It looked like it was going to be up to me to uphold the banner for straight guys in the Martha Stewart Show audience.
We eventually were herded into a holding area to fill out release forms and listen to Joey, the warm up guy. Joey was pretty funny and entertaining. We got to watch the broadcast of the show ahead of us. Those lucky guests all wore matching t-shirts promoting beef. They were joyfully digging into huge burgers the size of a child’s head. I was starting to like this! Then each person was given a brand, spankin’ new meat grinder. Eyes lit up around the room.
Joey went on to tell us that J.Crew was here to show us great new fashions for the fall. YAWN for me. Joey teased us by saying that J.Crew would be very generous with us. Well, at least maybe they would give out gift certificates that Sara can use. The other “generous” guest was going to show us how to make, I kid you not, necklaces out of balls and panty hose. Rubber bouncy balls and nylons. We would all be receiving a copy of her new book. Hurray. Drip, drip, drip…I felt my manly inner-self slowly leaving my body.
Hold on now…I see two more guys sitting nearby me. When one of them got up to walk to the rest room, I could tell by the way he swayed that I was still on my own.
I spotted a heavy-set, older gentleman sitting with a woman of the same approximate age. Maybe they were a married couple? One of the male production assistants came by to pick up completed release forms. He looked like he could be a male model. I happened to look up, just in time to see “older gentleman” make a very obscene motion with his tongue, aimed squarely at the male model. YIKES. I told Sara and she did not believe me. She thought I was pulling her leg. However, a few minutes later, there was “older gentleman” KNITTING! I KNEW it. Sara had no choice but to agree with me. I was feeling faint…
Looking around, I spotted two guys…holding hands. There was an Asian man there by himself. But the fact that he was a man at the Martha Stewart Show by himself, well, I knew I was on my own.